Aren't you tired of being nice?
Being Nice: Are You Tired Yet?
There’s a well-known meme:
‘Aren’t you tired of being nice? Don't you just wanna go apeshit?’
This statement implies (bluntly) that being nice is not a great idea. In fact, there are lots of examples in popular culture where niceness is seen as bad. This includes famous proverbs like ‘Nice guys finish last’.
The real story of niceness is more complex.
There are arguments both for and against niceness. Some people believe ‘Kindness is weakness’, while others command us to ‘Love thy neighbour’. The word ‘nice’ has morphed from the original meaning of ‘foolish’ (1). This shapeshifting past only adds complexity to our tale.
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The advantages of being nice
Being nice is referred to as ‘agreeableness’ in the world of academic psychology. This attribute is viewed as a stable personality characteristic rather than something that fluctuates across situations. In fact, agreeableness is one of the ‘Big Five’ personality elements.
For the academics, the jury is in. Agreeableness brings lots of advantages. Lots of research supports this statement. This trait is associated with everything from better academic/career success and relationship quality, to enhanced physical and mental wellbeing (2). These findings are backed up by the world’s largest kindness study. Here, nice people had higher levels of wellbeing and life satisfaction (3)
In short, agreeableness is good for you.
However, being agreeable doesn’t mean you are everyone’s doormat. You can be nice while sticking up for yourself. Self-protection can be achieved by requiring respect, saying no when necessary, and enforcing consequences when people let you down.
Being nice is not always easy
Being kind to others can take energy, focus, and self-control. These attributes are tough to generate at times. Being nice also requires you to give to others, sometimes at the expense of your own needs.
You may be depleted in some way. This state means fewer psychological resources are available for others. Some examples include stress, low mood, and fatigue. Social discomfort may block your ability to engage with others in a kind way. For instance, social anxiety is a problem where a person fears negative evaluation from others.
Society exerts expectations on us to act in certain ways. This extends to being nice to others. For most people, this behaviour fits with who they want to be. But, don’t beat yourself up if you’re not always able to pull this off. Play the long game- focus on being kind to a manageable level over time.
How to be nice
Agreeableness is associated with the following thinking and behaviour:
Kindness
Cooperation
Warmth
Consideration
Helpfulness
Trustfulness
Sympathetic
Empathy
Caring
Compassion
More simply, agreeableness is divided in ‘politeness’ and ‘compassion’ (4). These facets of niceness gives us clues about how to be nice.
While agreeableness is a personality trait, change over time is still possible (5). There are endless ways to be kind. The most common acts of kindness are actually quite simple acts and/or attitudes (3):
Having concerned feelings for those less fortunate
Helping strangers to pick things up
Opening doors for people
Doing favours for friends
Helping people when asked
You can combine these examples with acts reflecting the above agreeableness elements (e.g., cooperating with someone on a task).
So, it’s easy to put more niceness into your life. Give some of these a try (or acknowledge existing acts of agreeableness). and feel the benefits. Win-win.
Further reading:
This book by Aziz Gazipura makes some useful points about being too nice.
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References
(1) https://theconversation.com/the-science-of-being-nice-how-politeness-is-different-from-compassion-81819
(2) Jensen-Campbell, L. A., Knack, J. M., & Gomez, H. L. (2010). The psychology of nice people. Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 4(11), 1042–1056. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1751-9004.2010.00307.x
(3) https://www.sussex.ac.uk/research/centres/kindness/news-and-events/news?id=57547
(4) DeYoung, C. G., Quilty, L. C., & Peterson, J. B. (2007). Between facets and domains: 10 aspects of the Big Five. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 93(5), 880–896. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.93.5.880
(5) Roberts, B. W., Luo, J., Briley, D. A., Chow, P. I., Su, R., & Hill, P. L. (2017). A systematic review of personality trait change through intervention. Psychological Bulletin, 143(2), 117–141. https://doi.org/10.1037/bul0000088