Man up psychology & masculinity
Man Up Psychology & What You Can Do Differently
The concept of man-up is a particularly toxic influence on men's psychological well-being. This is not just a suspect romantic comedy starring Simon Pegg and Lake Bell about a blind date and mistaken identity.
A man-up approach to mental adversity encourages the use of ineffective strategies. These approaches can contribute to the development and exacerbation of distress and ill health. This article discusses the man-up mindset and presents an alternative approach called 'flexible masculinity'.
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Man-up is about ignoring psychological distress in the face of adversity. Distracting or suppressing difficult thoughts and emotions is the core strategy. This approach usually demands a robotic adherence to a traditional Western masculine ideal (sometimes referred to as 'hegemonic' or 'toxic' masculinity).
Western society is increasingly expecting men to drop this approach and become more open, aware and communicative about emotions and psychological health. Despite this, abandoning man-up is a tough ask for men heavily invested in masculinities consistent with this mindset. What's more, people, in general, find it difficult to unlearn well-rehearsed emotional responses.
The Downside
A man-up approach often aims to control or eliminate painful emotions in service of idealised but ultimately mythical masculinities.
Man-up is of limited value because difficult emotions are inevitable, normal, and essential to our functioning and survival. Our brain is hard-wired to generate these emotional 'signals', and we risk missing the critical information they convey when in man-up mode.
What's more, suppressing or avoiding uncomfortable emotions usually has little impact on their intensity. This tactic can also dominate our thinking, impairs memory, and leads to isolation from others (1). No longer are stress, anger, anxiety or low mood shared experiences. Indeed, some theories place emotional avoidance at the heart of serious psychological difficulties (2).
In being unaware of the above points, men may conclude that they have 'failed' to man-up when unable to banish difficult emotions. This perspective creates additional psychological suffering. This approach may also feed a vicious cycle of increasing distress and isolation when men double down on the man-up strategy. The initial 'solution' can actually be part of the problem.
A Different Strategy
An alternative to man-up involves the encouragement of 'flexible' masculinity and coping. Here, we don't expect men to drop their adherence to existing masculine ideals. Instead, we broaden the existing definition of key masculine traits. Research shows that psychological flexibility can positively affect well-being (3) and counter the adverse effects of toxic masculinities (4,5).
There are many examples of successfully utilising flexibility.
In one study of men with depression, some participants viewed seeking help as a manifestation of 'independence' (6).
In another investigation of men diagnosed with prostate cancer, some believed revealing emotions to others was a way to exhibit 'bravery' (7).
Metaphors can facilitate increased flexibility. For example, defining 'strength' as seeking assistance for mental/physical health issues to 'provide' for family members can be framed as putting on your own 'oxygen mask' before helping others.
Men invested in man-up are likely alienated by perceived attempts to change their coping responses. You are asking men to give up strategies they think are critical to societal approval. At the very least, being 'controlled' by others breaks the man-up 'code of practice'. On the other hand, encouraging flexibility can be a gradual way for men to experiment with an expanded worldview.
When we man-up, we cut down our options for coping effectively with psychological distress. Flexible masculinity can help to broaden our coping toolkit by giving 'permission' for alternative responses to occur. This additional freedom makes us better able to adapt to a wide range of challenges.
It's a bit like changing gears when driving. First gear is often suitable, but we'll damage the engine if it's the only gear we ever use. So it's important to shift gears depending on the circumstances and terrain.
Sometimes, it is helpful to distract from emotions (e.g., trying to get through a crisis). However, acknowledging, 'normalising', then responding flexibly to difficult psychological experiences puts us on the path towards more healthy psychological lives.
Five Key Strategies
So in the interests of moving away from man up, how might men respond more flexibly to life's challenges? Here are a few ways to foster this skill:
Normalise difficult emotional experiences. Difficult emotions are not a reflection of your identity as a man. They are simply evidence of your brain performing its normal functions. Imagine a world where you could not experience fear. You'd never make it to your first birthday cake.
Pay attention to these emotions. Emotional acceptance is a helpful strategy for responding to difficult emotions and countering emotional avoidance. Rather than avoiding, denying or downplaying emotional reactions, pay deliberate attention to these emotional states.
Clarify important personal qualities and values. How do you want to live your life, or be remembered after you are gone? Consider how many ways you can exhibit each of these values. If a man values tolerance and patience, a restricted response might involve trying to 'keep your mouth shut' when irritated by a child's repeated mistakes.
Use metaphors to help frame flexibility positively. For example, 'Changing gears to suit the terrain/gradient', 'Expand the toolkit', 'Bring a player with different skills onto the field when the game changes.'
Move in tiny steps. Change your actions in small, gradual ways to reduce the perceived risk of departing from man-up. You might make a change with only one person, or in a specific situation. Experiment with these changes and reflect on the outcome before taking the next steps.
We are Coaching & Clinical Psychologists with extensive experience helping people conquer a range of wellbeing and performance issues at home and in the workplace. We also have extensive experience working with men. Read more about my work, watch practical skills videos or browse other articles. Get in touch anytime.
References
1. Gross, J. J. (2002). Emotion regulation: Affective, cognitive, and social consequences. Psychophysiology, 39(3), 281-291.
2. Hayes, S. C., Strosahl, K. D., & Wilson, K. G. (2012). Acceptance and commitment therapy: The process and practice of mindful change. New York: Guilford.
3. Kashdan, T. B., & Rottenberg, J. (2010). Psychological flexibility as a fundamental aspect of health. Clinical Psychology Review, 30(7), 865-878.
4. McAtter, G., & Gillanders, D. (2019). Investigating the role of psychological flexibility, masculine self‐esteem and stoicism as predictors of psychological distress and quality of life in men living with prostate cancer. European Journal of Cancer Care, online version ahead of print. doi: 10.1111/ecc.13097
5. Spendelow, J. S., & Joubert, H. E. (2018). Does experiential avoidance mediate the relationship between gender role conflict and psychological distress? American Journal of Men’s Health, 12(4), 688-695.
6. Roy, P., Tremblay, G., & Robertson, S. (2014). Help-seeking among Male Farmers: Connecting Masculinities and Mental Health. Sociologia Ruralis, 54(4), 460-476.
7. Levy, A., & Cartwright, T. (2015). Men’s strategies for preserving emotional well-being in advanced prostate cancer: An interpretative phenomenological analysis. Psychology & Health, 30(10), 1164-1182.
