How to ask someone if they are ok
Hey, How Are You Doing?
It’s a simple question, but often tough to ask. But you can master this skill with a simple method, and a bit of practice.
Check on your friends
People are often reluctant to check on friends and family members because they fear a negative outcome. For instance:
The person will get upset or angry at me
I will make their problem worse (mental health or other issue)
I won’t be able to handle the responsibility
In my experience, people worry about the first two outcomes the most.
Ask yourself ‘What’s the worst possible outcome of asking if he/she is ok?’ Your answer will reveal a cause of any hesitancy to reach out. Often, these fears are not likely in reality.
So, estimate the probability, rather than the possibility of the worst-case scenario. The anxious brain tells us that anything is possible. But, our rational brain can estimate event likelihood in the real world. The probability is usually low. We can remind ourselves of this when feeling uncomfortable checking in on someone.
How is everything?
Next, think about a question or opening comment that feels natural for you. Here are some possibilities:
“I get the sense you’re not yourself at the moment. Am I reading things correctly? If so, I’d like to help if I can.”
“I just wanted to check in and see how you’ve been getting on lately?”.
“Hey, I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, but you seem to be having a rough time. I hope you don’t mind me asking how you’re doing?”.
Keep it simple, and make sure the words are comfortable for you.
Pick a time when you are not in a rush.
No need to worry if you get a short response like “I’m fine”. You can always respond with “Ok, great. I’m here any time if things change”.
Don’t force someone to speak. Let them stay in control. They might not be ready to talk.
Checking up on you
The focus from here is all about active listening.
Once a person starts talking, you want to listen and ask questions to understand their experiences (as best you can). Whatever you do, DON’T TRY TO SOLVE THEIR PROBLEM STRAIGHT AWAY. Listening with compassion might be the best ‘solution’. Active listening looks like this:
Asking information-gathering questions (e.g., “How did that experience affect you?”).
Keeping good eye contact and an open, relaxed body posture.
Providing ‘non-verbal reinforcers’. Encouraging discussion by nodding, smiling and leaning forward slightly.
(Very) briefly summarising from time to time (e.g., “So you felt really anxious in that meeting because of a previous bad experience”).
What’s next?
As the conversation ends, it’s a good idea to think about the next steps. Here are some possible questions:
What can I do to be helpful?
What would you like to happen now?
Would it help to bring in some extra support?
Let your friend or loved one remain in control but let them know that follow-up actions are possible.
Suggest some thinking time if the person is not sure of next steps. Suggest talking again in a couple of days (in-person or via a phone call).
Some additional ideas are in my article on the related Resist, Gather, Validate, Ask approach.
Here is how to get help from a health professional if needed.
We are Coaching & Clinical Psychologists with extensive experience helping people conquer a range of wellbeing and performance issues at home and in the workplace. Read more about our work, watch practical skills videos or browse other articles. Get in touch anytime.
