Learn what sonder means, and how to get more of it
Sonder Definition
This article provides an introduction to the concept of Sonder. Topics include:
Sonder meaning
What is sonder? John Koenig coined this term in his Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows:
'The realisation that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own'.
No single word adequately captures Sonder. This term ties in many psychological concepts relevant to our well-being.
An awareness of others entails various abilities, but ‘perspective-taking’ is vital. The skills behind this process involve empathy, compassion, and others (e.g., perspective-taking, mentalising).
Acknowledging the complexity of each individual’s life is putting yourself in their shoes. This lies at the heart of empathy which is crucial to good social skills. Empathy is also associated with personal well-being (1). Similarly, compassion has a positive association with psychological health (2).
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Is Sonder a German word?
Is sonder an actual word? Kind of. Sonder can be thought of as a neologism, or a new(ish) word. Neologisms reflect the ever-changing nature of language. In German, Sonder means ‘special’. Sonder also has origins in the French language where it means ‘to probe’. The French meaning has an obvious connection with Jon Koenig’s definition.
Sonder too fast, or too much?
Sonder brings our attention to the immense value in every life.
But, it could be overwhelming and impractical to consider the complexity of every life we encounter. In this way, a lack of sonder is necessary to get on with daily life.
However, there are times where sonder is more important. For example, being aware of others is crucial in relationships with friends and family members.
There are many examples of attempts to increase sonder amongst people. For example, the BBC Listening Project records conversations between people on a variety of topics. Getting strangers to talk can bring positive outcomes (3).
Oops, my bad
Most of us have been unfriendly or rude to someone (directly or indirectly), only to discover later they are experiencing hardship of some kind. The vast majority of people feel uncomfortable in this situation and vow to be more mindful and kinder in the future.
But think of all the people you come into close physical proximity to in a given year (a non-pandemic year that is). In a big city, this could be thousands or more. Even in less populated areas, the number of contacts will still be substantial. Of all those people, there will probably be just a handful of individuals (usually in your personal life) for whom you will have detailed knowledge about their experiences.
It is easy to forget that every passerby is living a life as complex as your own.
Sonder artist
The term sonder has been used in everything from accommodation to bicycles. Sonder music is available too. Brent faiyaz, the vocalist with the group Sonder, has the word tattooed above his eye. Nice way to promote the concept. But most of these entities don’t seem to make a direct connection with the word as defined by John Koenig.
Sonder brewing
This craft beer brewery gets a mention for two reasons:
I love craft beer (send me samples)
They have community engagement projects- a great way to connect with others and understand the richness people’s lives.
Sonder stay- Getting more sonder in your life
Many people want to practice sonder, but how can you do this? This question is important given the potential benefits brought by social awareness.
Here are some suggestions:
Be realistic and go easy on yourself
Given the large number of people you come into contact with throughout your life, it might be an unrealistic expectation always to bear sonder in mind. Read this article on social anxiety if engagement with others makes you anxious.
Be curious about people you encounter
Curiosity can be developed in many ways, such as asking about someone's life circumstances, interests, or hopes for the future. Keep it light, at least initially. Some people may not want to reveal much of their personal life.
Practice compassion on yourself and towards others
Compassion partly involves the skill of being aware of suffering. Acknowledging the universal nature of such experiences can help us to connect with others.
Develop your empathy skills
You can do this in many ways. This article by Claire Miller provides some interesting examples.
Challenge your thoughts
Reflect on thoughts about other people by asking questions like 'What's my evidence to support this though?' or 'What's another way to look at this situation?'.
Learn more about identifying and responding to unhelpful thinking patterns on the Skills Videos page.
Network
Get to know people outside your usual circle of contacts.
Summary
Sonder is a useful concept to help raise our awareness about the lives of other people. Reminding ourselves that a complex life story lies behind the faces of everyone we meet can help us connect with people positively.
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References
1. Khajeh et al. (2014). The relationship between psychological well-being and empathy quotient. Management Science Letters, 4, 1211-1214
2. López et al (2018). Compassion for Others and Self-Compassion: Levels, Correlates, and Relationship with Psychological Well-being. Mindfulness, 9, 325-331
3. Kardas, M., Kumar, A., & Epley, N. (2021). Overly shallow?: Miscalibrated expectations create a barrier to deeper conversation. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. Advance online publication. https://doi.org/10.1037/pspa0000281