Wronged: Dealing with Difficult Emotions When You’ve Been Treated Badly
Wronged
One of the most difficult situations to deal with in life is the presence of a person who has wronged you in some way.
Wronged meaning
When someone say’s ‘I’ve been wronged’, they could be referring to anything from a false accusation and other forms of lying, to being let down repeatedly or being emotionally manipulated. Sometimes we can remove these people from our lives but, in other circumstances, the perpetrator remains a presence and continues their unjust behaviour. Needless to say, you can be wronged at work or in your personal life.
Psychological reactions to being wronged might involve one consistent emotion (e.g., anger). But often, people end up riding an emotional rollercoaster, sometimes experiencing seemingly contradictory responses (e.g., helplessness, anxiety, rage). Such feelings are understandably hard to live with. Your day-to-day functioning might also be affected (e.g., work performance, concentration, quality of other relationships), leading to further stress.
You are not losing your mind. You are tackling one of life’s most difficult situations. You may also be dealing with a longer-term issue, such as a personality issue like narcissism.
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Short end of the stick
People typically want to reduce the ‘size’ of unpleasant emotional responses when they’ve been wronged. They want these feelings to have less influence over their lives. This desire is totally understandable, but be wary of unrealistic expectations. Feeling angry, frustrated, hopeless, or anxious are all normal responses to being wronged. You have been shown that life is unfair, that good things don’t always happen to good people, and that what goes around does not always come around.
Sympathize?
I’d recommend ‘normalise’ and not just sympathize. These realities indicate that you need to acknowledge and ‘normalise’ your response to being wronged, even if the problematic feelings are all-consuming. The emotions themselves are understandable given what has occurred. When these reactions lead to self-criticism (e.g., I am weak, I am over-reacting), you are merely throwing more gasoline on the fire.
One person has turned on you. Don’t increase that total by one through turning on yourself.
You did me wrong
You need to approach these emotions as challenges requiring ongoing management, rather than something you can permanently extinguish.
Difficult emotions will keep arising, especially if the perpetrator remains in your life. You need to practice recognising these emotions and accept that you may need to roll with them. Take a popular approach from the treatment of addictions whereby discomfort is treated as recurring waves, each of which can be ridden until they fade.
Difficult emotions create challenges, but they thankfully do not physically stop you from living life according to your values.
Unjust
Next, you can try any number of available techniques to physically calm the body. These strategies range from breathing (re)training to relaxation via imagery or muscle relaxation. Activities you find soothing may also help (e.g., taking a bath, listening to music). Alternatively, some people find ‘anchoring’ or ‘centering’ exercises useful. Simply agreeing to pause for 5 minutes (or counting to 100) before taking any further action is also helpful for some people.
Sometimes, the body can be calmed when we give up the struggle to try and control or suppress difficult inner sensations. Try this expansion exercise if you want to try ‘unhooking’ from unpleasant feelings.
Next steps to cope with being wronged
Finding a coping ‘road map’ is often the next step I suggest to people. By this, I mean thinking about your ideal response to being wronged.
Think of yourself ten years from now. This difficult situation has passed, and it is only an unpleasant memory. What would you want to say about how you behaved during the challenging time?
Perhaps you want to say that you didn’t act impulsively. You might want to say that you stood up for yourself, or set a positive example to your children. Alternatively, you can think about your core life values, then use these to guide your response to painful feelings as they arise.
More practical suggestions
Here are a few additional strategies you might find helpful in coping with being wronged:
‘Depersonalise’ the perpetrator’s behaviour from yourself (i.e., what is it about THEM, THEIR circumstances, THEIR background that drives their actions?).
Set ‘boundaries’ or expectations for behaviour, along with clear and enforceable consequences when boundaries are broken.
Remind yourself that other parts of your life are going well.
Challenge unhelpful thoughts (e.g., I will NEVER get over my anger).
Punish?
Being wronged is an extremely challenging life experience. Difficult feelings will inevitably arise. Trying to punish the offender can lead to further negative outcomes for yourself. But having a clear coping game plan can help keep you on track in a way you can be proud of once the smoke clears.
We have extensive experience helping people conquer a range of wellbeing and performance issues at home and in the workplace. We can also help if you’ve been wronged. Read more about our work, watch practical skills videos or browse other articles. Get in touch anytime.