How do deal with a narcissist
What is narcissism?
How can I spot a narcissist and how do I deal with one?
How do I make a narcissist miserable?
People have many questions on this topic. So, I answer common queries and give you some tips on responding to this personality type. Here’s what we cover in this article:
Narcissistic Stare
There is no clear evidence that narcissists reveal themselves through facial expressions. Unfortunately, this is one of many misconceptions on this topic.
So let's look at the fundamentals of narcissism.
The origins of this concept can be drawn back to Greek mythology and the good-looking bloke Narcissus. He fell in love with his own reflection. The obvious problem is that you can't date an image of yourself. This fact led to life-long heartbreak and misery for Narcissus.
We've seen much interest in narcissism ever since that odd love story was first told. In psychology, we view narcissism as 'excessive self-love or egocentrism' (1) with self-centred behaviour (2). Other features include a massively inflated sense of self-worth and entitlement, lack of empathy, grandiosity, and exploitative behaviour (3,4).
Narcissistic relationship pattern
Extreme narcissism can be a diagnosable condition called narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). This is a complex diagnosis to make.
NPD is one of many personality disorders. People with these conditions behave, think, and feel quite different to others. These differences tend to cause significant problems for the individual, their friends, and their family.
The nature of narcissism means that relationship problems are common. However, there are many variations of NPD (5). There is no ‘true narcissist’ pattern of interaction with others. But, there are common forms of narcissism:
Overt- The person who rates themselves very highly (grandiose), widely advertises their self-admiration, has no problem stepping on others, and craves the limelight.
Fragile- Insecure, easily upset, jealous of others, and hangs on the opinions of people.
Autonomous- Grandiose, sense of entitlement, competitive, seeks attention and success through narcissistic traits.
These forms are not absolute and occur in different combinations.
While not scientific, we see other 'subtypes' in the media and popular culture. For example, the 'cerebral narcissist' is (a) someone who loves to demonstrate their intelligence, or (b) is clever, calculating, and plans their interactions with others. 'Somatic narcissist' refers to preoccupation and obsession with physical appearance.
NPD often comes with significant mental health issues. These include substance use problems, bipolar disorder, and other personality problems (6). The variety in narcissism and co-occurrence of issues muddies the water. For this reason, we always recommend professional assessment.
Narcissistic personality test
There is no single test to diagnose narcissism or NPD accurately. As mentioned, identifying narcissism is complex and requires professional assessment. However, the information in this article may help you decide if further advice is needed.
Do narcissists know they are narcissists?
'Insight' is an awareness of traits such as narcissism.
Several lines of research indicate individuals do have at least some insight, and even actively pursue narcissistic behaviour (7). These people can understand the impact of these traits on themselves and others (8). They can also detect unfavourable attitudes towards them (9). They also seem capable of empathy, an ability to put yourself 'in another person's shoes'. However, a narcissist might use this information for selfish gain (10).
You wouldn't use narcissist and empath in the same sentence. Any empathy is most likely intellectual (cognitive), not emotional (9).
There is variation in these abilities. This means you cannot assume everyone possesses insight.
Narcissistic abuse cycle
Contrary to popular belief, there is no single narcissistic cycle of abuse or 'narcissistic abuse syndrome'. Narcissism is found everywhere, from narcissistic adult children to narcissism at work. So while you may believe that you're dealing with a narcissistic mother in law, there is no single underlying pattern of unhealthy relationship behaviours.
Instead, there is a range of potential acts and strategies used by some people with narcissism. Here are a few examples:
Attempting to make a partner jealous (11)
Devaluing a partner (12)
Being aggressive (13)
Narcissist gaslighting is another behaviour of interest. This makes sense given the parallels between the two concepts. Gaslighting is deliberately making someone doubt their thoughts, identity, and reality itself. We see similarities between this manipulation and behaviours typically linked to narcissism. The need for power is a good example here (14).
How to spot a narcissist
Combining the above information, some key signs MIGHT suggest you're dealing with narcissistic behaviour:
Excessive egocentrism ('It's all about me')
Self-centred and/or attention-seeking behaviour
Inflated and/or highly volatile self-worth
Using other people for personal gain
Manipulative
Competitive
Displaying emotional extremes, including anger and jealousy
As mentioned, narcissism has different faces and occurs with other issues. Therefore, be cautious with any set of characteristics. No checklist can adequately capture this personality phenomenon.
How to manipulate a narcissist
This phrase is a common search term. There are others, such as:
How to make a narcissist miserable, and
How to make a narcissist obsessed with you
A narcissist's behaviour often triggers strong emotional responses. This is totally understandable. You might think, 'everytime I see you I get a bad vibe'.
But it might be wise to pause when typing these phrases into a search engine. Anger and a desire for revenge will probably escalate a narcissist's negative behaviour.
Instead, consider seeking some support and advice to cope with the situation.
How to talk to a narcissist
You can probably avoid a narcissist in certain situations. This is harder when the person concerned is a family member. The narcissist in your life may even be an authority figure.
There may be no reliable phrases to disarm a narcissist.
However, you may find the following guidelines useful:
Remain as calm as possible when communicating with the person concerned. Do what you need to keep cool. Take small breaks (if possible), diaphragmatic breathing, or anything else that helps.
Keep statements short, clear, polite but direct. You usually want to avoid getting into a debate or justifying yourself.
Set clear boundaries for their behaviour and do not allow for exceptions (yes, easier said than done).
Make sure you enforce any stated consequences for unwanted behaviour.
Don't rely on promises. Ask for immediate action.
Ensure you have a good support system. Also, use these people for regular reality checks (to avoid gaslighting and similar behaviours).
Acknowledge positive behaviour and the person behind their issues.
Keep expectations modest to reduce the risk of feeling let down repeatedly.
Narcissist recovery
NPD may occur in up to 6% of adults (15), so treatment options are essential. Talking therapies are the primary approach for personality disorders. We use both group and individual treatment formats. These interventions can be effective (16). Some people utilise other options, including support groups.
Do narcissists cry?
Your answers to a few common questions about narcissists:
Am I dating a narcissist?
Refer to the information above for potential signs. Romantic relationships can get tough! Be careful to avoid blaming a shared issue on your partner's personality.
Can a narcissist love?
Of course. However, relationship interfering behaviours create real obstacles to a long-term, stable partnership.
Do narcissists cry?
Yes, they can, but there is little research exploring this topic (17). Some people are concerned about emotional abuse and manipulation through fake crying. But you'd want to be very careful before making this accusation.
Narcissist meme
There are accurate and inaccurate narcissism memes out there. Here is one example, but be careful what you read!
Narcissist quotes
The world is full of quotes on this subject. Here are a couple of examples:
When I look at narcissism through the vulnerability lens, I see the shame-based fear of being ordinary. I see the fear of never feeling extraordinary enough to be noticed, to be lovable, to belong, or to cultivate a sense of purpose. Brené Brown
I don't care what you think unless it is about me. Kurt Cobain
Karma is a concept that divides opinions. However, regardless of your position, you can find lots of karma narcissist quotes out there. For instance:
People pay for what they do, and still more, for what they have allowed themselves to become. And they pay for it simply: by the lives they lead. Edith Wharton
Movies about narcissists
Finally, here are a few takes on narcissists through movie characters:
Gaslighting- a famous movie from 1940 where a husband manipulates his wife.
Sleeping with the enemy- another husband with serious issues...
Anchorman- it's a comedy, but does illustrate behaviours identified in this article.
Further reading
Kevin Dutton has written an interesting take on psychopathy and associated personality characteristics including narcissism.
We are Coaching & Clinical Psychologists with extensive experience helping people conquer a range of wellbeing and performance issues at home and in the workplace. We can also help with narcissism. Read more about our work, watch practical skills videos or browse other articles. Get in touch anytime.
References
(1) https://dictionary.apa.org/narcissism
(2) Yakeley, J. (2018). Current understanding of narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder. BJPsych Advances, 24(5), 305-315. doi:10.1192/bja.2018.20https://www.sciencedirect.com/topics/psychology/narcissism
(3) https://www.apa.org/research/action/speaking-of-psychology/narcissism
(4) Hyatt CS, Sleep CE, Lamkin J, Maples-Keller JL, Sedikides C, Campbell WK, et al. (2018) Narcissism and self-esteem: A nomological network analysis. PLoS ONE 13(8): e0201088. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0201088
(5) Pincus, A.L., & Lukowitsky, M. R. (2010). Pathological narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder. Annual Review of Clinical Psychology, 6, 421–446.
(6) Caligor, E. et al. (2015). Narcissistic personality disorder: Diagnostic and clinical challenges. The American Journal of Psychiatry, 172(5), 415-422.
(7) Carlson, E. N. (2013) Honestly Arrogant or Simply Misunderstood? Narcissists' Awareness of their Narcissism, Self and Identity, 12:3, 259-277
(8) Sleep, C.E., Lamkin J., Lynam, D. R., Campbell, W. K., Miller, J. D. (2019). Personality disorder traits: Testing insight regarding presence of traits, impairment, and desire for change. Personality Disorders, 10(2), 123-131.
(9) Carlson, E. N., Vazire, S., & Oltmanns, T. F. (2011). You probably think this paper's about you: narcissists' perceptions of their personality and reputation. Journal of personality and social psychology, 101(1), 185–201.
(10) Eddy, C.M. Self-serving social strategies: A systematic review of social cognition in narcissism. Curr Psychol (2021). https://doi.org/10.1007/s12144-021-01661-3
(11) Tortoriello, G. K., Hart, W., Richardson, K., Tullett, A. M. (2017). Do narcissists try to make romantic partners jealous on purpose? An examination of motives for deliberate jealousy-induction among subtypes of narcissism. Personality and Individual Differences, 114, 10–15.
(12) Campbell, W. K., Rudich, E. A., Sedikides, C. (2002). Narcissism, self-esteem, and the positivity of self-views: Two portraits of self-love. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 28, 358–368.
(13) Keller, P. S., Blincoe, S., Gilbert, L. R., Dewall, C. N., Haak, E. A., Widiger, T. (2014). Narcissism in romantic relationships: A dyadic perspective. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 33, 25–50.
(14) Carroll, L. (1987). A study of narcissism, affiliation, intimacy, and power motives among students in business administration. Psychological Reports, 61, 355–358.
(15) Dhawan, N., Kunik, M.E., Oldham, J., Coverdale, J. (2010). Prevalence and treatment of narcissistic personality disorder in the community: a systematic review. Compr Psychiatry, 51(4), 333-339.
(16) Verheul, R., & Marjolein, H. (2007). The efficacy of various modalities of psychotherapy for personality disorders: A systematic review of the evidence and clinical recommendations, International Review of Psychiatry, 19:1, 25-38
(17) Bylsma, L. M., Gračanin, A., & Vingerhoets, A. J. J. M. (2021). A clinical practice review of crying research. Psychotherapy, 58(1), 133–149.
Narcissist pronounce:
naa·suh·suhst
Spelling variations:
Narcist