Love is the child of illusion and the parent of disillusion. Miguel de Unamuno

I work with issues of love and relationships daily in my practice. Love has its fair share of critics. But, cynic or fan club member, love plays a central role in our lives.

But is love just an illusion?

World Of Illusion

Pulses race, bodies go wild. Is love real, or just a figment of our imagination?

An illusion is:

'...something that appears to exist or be a particular thing but does not actually exist or is in reality something else.' (1).

Let's simplify this tongue-twister of an explanation. This definition simply says, 'You thought you detected love, but it wasn't there, or it was something else. Discovering this 'love illusion' is very unsettling. It leads to self-doubt, anxiety, and fear of rejection.

'Did you ever really love me?'

'What's the point of our relationship?'

'Can I ever trust my assumptions?'

'Did I imagine your feelings for me?'

No wonder people wonder about love and illusion.

Love isn't real?

Illusions are possible, in part, because of indirect realism (2). We can't experience the world directly. Instead, our brains take in a bunch of information through the senses and give us interpretations.

Illusions come in visual form. For instance, this dress illusion. We also have illusion drawings. A famous example is the Muller-Lyer illusion.

But what about illusions of complex psychological and physical states? We can trigger body illusions through experiments such as the 'rubber hand illusion' (3). Here, a person strokes a rubber hand while having their actual (and hidden) hand rubbed simultaneously. The rubber hand then seems connected to the body.

Love is an illusion characters

Love is a tiny bit more complicated than a rubber hand experiment.

Intimate relationships involve intense feelings of attraction and affection towards another (4). The psychologist Robert Sternberg suggested love has three components (5):

Intimacy: Feelings of closeness and connectedness.
Passion: The drive behind sexual contact and physical attraction.
Decision/Commitment: Decision that you love someone and commit to maintaining that love.

Sternberg adds that these elements combine with the 'Theory of love as a story' to form the 'Duplex theory of love'.

In other words, a lot is going on psychologically when it comes to love—plenty of scope for misinterpretation and, ultimately, illusion.

Several studies confirm the existence of relationship-based illusions. For instance, people hold positive partner illusions (6). An example of this is when people assume a partner is more intelligent than themselves.

Illusions are not necessarily harmful. Positive illusion in relationships is associated with less conflict and higher satisfaction (7). What's more, you can't avoid illusions. There are limits to human perception no one can escape (8).

Step into the omegaverse....and suspiciously powerful pheromones

The story/manhwa 'Love is an illusion', portrays a world where genetically superior 'Alphas' rule society and pheromones get sprayed all over the place willy nilly.

It's a bit crazy but stick with me.

The synopsis, as published on Yaoi is:

"Hyesung spent his entire life believing he was an Alpha, the top of the genetic lottery. But his world is flipped upside down when he finds out he isn't a proud Alpha, but a lowly Omega. After this revelation, he continuously crosses paths with Dojin, an Alpha who can't stand Omegas. When their physical union results in a life-changing event, the two men's hot-and-cold relationship is put to the ultimate test."

This story entails many themes relevant to love and relationships. But, illusion and altered perception are particularly prominent.

While fictional, this story illustrates how we can doubt the presence of love and the form it takes.

The real illusion?

We sometimes ask the love-illusion question when a relationship has failed.

The real question might be whether feelings of love from the other person were imagined or misinterpreted- I thought you loved me this much, and in this way. However, it seems that was wrong.

These questions represent a search for answers and an expression of fear about the future- What if I misread love in my next relationship?

More important than the love-illusion issue is the question- Why am I asking this question? You may be wanting to express emotional pain and heartbreak. You might want to understand why a relationship has ended. Alternatively, your question may simply reflect self-doubt and fears for the future. Pondering love and illusion might be too overwhelming and distract you from more helpful reflections.

In fact, you might get trapped in a repetitive, counterproductive cycle of thoughts by pondering the love-illusion question. We call this thinking pattern rumination, and it can damage your mental health (9). See the Skills Videos page for a sample of thought reflection techniques.

Summary

The answer to the love-illusion question depends on your perspective. From a scientific angle, our brains have perceptual limits and are prone to illusions. Some are simple (e.g., visual illusions), others are complex (e.g., positive relationship illusions). Therefore, some of what we experience in relationships is a matter of interpretation.

However, you might say that our subjective experiences are 'real' because that's what we have to work with in daily life. Therefore, we might regard love as genuine from a spiritual perspective.

I would argue that there is no right or wrong response to the love-illusion question.

Spending too much time on this issue might lead to unhelpful thinking patterns. So instead, I would recommend focusing on WHY you are wondering about this topic.

Love is a mix of risk and reward. You must accept the possibility of hurt to find a relationship that works. Only you can determine an acceptable risk level for yourself. The love-illusion question is interesting. But, perhaps there are more important questions to explore.

Nov 16 Is love an illusion?