Think their feelings are not your problem? Think again.
How You Feel Is Not My Problem.....Or Is It?
Some people use phrases like 'Your feelings are not my responsibility'. This approach to a partner's emotions is really unhelpful and prevents strong relationships.
Here's why....
Getting attached
Attachment is a field of research interested in how we form relationships. The central idea is that we are hard-wired to form strong bonds with at least one significant person.
Preprogramming the brain this way increases survival. Strong bonds were especially important thousands of years ago without modern-day protection against predators. Safety in numbers reduced the risk of becoming lunch.
As infants, we usually attach to our parents. This helps ensure we are cared for as we grow. As adults, good quality attachment links to numerous positive health and mental health outcomes (1, 2).
It doesn't matter if you're a 'loner' or 'people person'. All of us are built to attach. Attachment is your primary need in life. Furthermore, research has shown that emotional isolation is distressing and damaging (3).
Believing a partner's feelings are not your problem goes against our built-in need to connect.
A secure base
A 'secure' attachment allows you to:
Form close relationships fairly easily
Feel comfortable depending on others
Not worry about being abandoned
Be comfortable with closeness and intimacy
Secure attachment forms a safe 'base' from which a person is confident to explore the world and take risks.
There is a 'dependency paradox' here: Independence and risk-taking ability increase the more you depend on someone (4).
Rejecting someone's feelings damages a secure base.
ARE you there for me?
Secure, emotionally healthy relationships happen when your partner is (3):
Accessible: Available to connect and talk to
Responsive: Tunes into your communication
Engages: Takes an active part in discussions and problem-solving
If you answer no to the question 'ARE you there for me', the relationship will suffer.
What's next?
You ignore reality when you try to avoid your partner's emotions and need to attach.
Shutting off this way also reduces your ability to have a positive relationship.
Depending on each other is part of a healthy relationship. Don't get fooled by fears of 'codependency'. Fighting our attachment needs will only damage your chance of a successful relationship.
Further reading:
Sue Johnson’s book on improving a couple’s relationship based on attachment science.
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References
(1) Pietromonaco, P. R., & Beck, L. A. (2019). Adult attachment and physical health. Current Opinion in Psychology, 25, 115-120. doi: 10.1016/j.copsyc.2018.04.004
(2) Kobak, R., & Bosmans, G. (2019). Attachment and psychopathology: a dynamic model of the insecure cycle. Current Opinion in Psycvhology, 25, 76-80. doi: 10.1016/j.copsyc.2018.02.018
(3) Johnson, S. (2018). Attachment Theory in Practice. New York: Guilford.
(4) Levine, A., Heller, R. (2019). Attached: Are you Anxious, Avoidant or Secure? How the science of adult attachment can help you find – and keep – love . Pan Macmillan. Kindle Edition.
Lyrics from the song 'Your feelings are not my problem' by Willow. I've not idea what these words are saying. Safe to say they don't help us understand attachment.
I just landed in another atmosphere
I'm just floating, in a stain steel sphere
I bet you have questions like, "Where did I come from?"
To the top of the pyramid, let's save the world like this
Conversing with light bodies
But really they all a part of me
Let's get the whip and go
'Cause I'm tired of this solar ring
Whatever, whatever I guess whatever
I don't care, get dressed whatever
I don't feel like talking, whatever
