Five key strategies for dealing with an emotionally unavailable partner
Understand Men That Are Emotionally Unavailable
Most people are full of hope when they fall in love. However, we all know that relationships can be hard work. The ability to create and nurture emotional bonds with another person is an essential ingredient for healthy relationships. Positive relationships are good for our mental health and quality of life.
People who struggle to experience and sustain emotional connections are said to be emotionally detached. Although this doesn't mean an absence of long-term relationships, emotionally unavailable individuals tend to have less satisfying bonds.
Rightly or wrongly, the emotionally unavailable man is a well-known stereotype. Men are often characterised as emotionally unavailable.
Here's everything you should know about emotionally unavailable men.
The Three Key Characteristics of Emotional Unavailability
Emotional unavailability manifests in certain ways. Here are three key signs to watch for:
Discomfort With Emotion
Emotionally unavailable people often find it uncomfortable to be in situations where they experience deep emotions. This pattern can occur with a partner, family member, or friend.
They may also be unable to access or get in touch with emotions, especially when sharing and discussing feelings. Emotional intimacy can be threatening to some.
There could be a fundamental reason they are incapable of emotions. For example, complex disorders or underlying problems such as alexithymia hinder an individual's ability to deal with emotions.
Additionally, emotionally unavailable individuals may face discomfort witnessing or experiencing other emotional experiences such as art, films, music, etc.
They may also find it awkward to receive or display affection.
Avoidance of Emotion and Attachments to Others
Due to discomfort with emotion, individuals may repel or avoid emotional situations. They might also reject deep attachments beyond casual dating or friendships. Therefore, such individuals may only have shallow, romantic and platonic relationships and avoid building a deeper bond.
Inability to Process Emotions
Emotionally unavailable partners may find it difficult to understand, empathise, and engage with your emotions.
For example, if you are crying due to a distressing situation, your partner may feel awkward. He may find it challenging to be forthcoming with their concern, support or empathy.
On the other hand, if you are overly excited, an emotionally unavailable partner may struggle to encourage, understand, or engage with your excitement.
Why Are Men Primarily Considered To Be Emotionally Unavailable?
Considerable research supports the idea that some men are more unemotionally unavailable than women. However, there are multiple masculinities. Therefore, plenty of men have a healthy emotional life.
The traditional (Western) masculinity stereotype often demands that men cannot, or will not, engage with emotion. This is primarily because emotions are considered "feminine". Being expressive or in touch with feelings goes against the hegemonic version of masculinity. Moreover, some men are reluctant to seek help when problems arise.
Adults who endorse traditional forms of masculinity may discourage the development of psychological skills related to emotion. Additionally, men tend to experience alexithymia more than women.
As a group, men use more problem-focused and avoidant coping strategies. These approaches can block the development of emotional engagement and regulation skills.
Signs Of Emotional Unavailability To Look Out For
Knowing the signs of emotional unavailability can help determine whether you or your partner may struggle to engage with emotions. You can then take measures to cope with it accordingly.
Here are some common signs to look out for:
Avoidance of Intimacy, Closeness, or Vulnerability
Emotionally unavailability may lead to a relationship feeling at a standstill and is not making any progress.
You may notice your partner avoiding being vulnerable or sharing feelings. For example, they may avoid discussing their problems, sharing their past, or other things that may otherwise strengthen your bond.
Your partner may avoid emotions in subtle ways. For example, they may keep conversations short, change topics, or repeat a small number of superficial statements (e.g., "That's just how it is"). These behaviours are often a means to escape the discomfort with emotions.
There may be an avoidance of physical intimacy, or a tendency to avoid discussing the emotional significance of sexual activity.
Refusal To "Define The Relationship"
When dating an emotionally unavailable partner, he might avoid discussing a future with you. He might seem uncomfortable, angry, or irritated when they have to express himself.
Furthermore, in doing so, they may also refuse to openly call your relationship a "relationship". They may insist on taking things as they are, or 'going with the flow'. Such vagueness about their feelings and intentions can signify emotional unavailability.
Apparent Unawareness Of Their Emotions
Emotionally unavailable individuals are, as elaborated above, not good with emotions and generally lack experience or understanding of the same. There may be a lack of emotional awareness. For example, your partner often seems unaware of their emotions. He might get irritated without understanding why.
What Can You Do If You Suspect Your Partner Is Emotionally Unavailable?
Being with an emotionally unavailable partner may be challenging, but there are strategies to address this situation. It is possible to start working towards a more emotionally-engaged relationship:
Offer support and constructive feedback. For example, you can say, 'I notice that you seem uncomfortable bringing up emotions. I am interested in getting your perspective on this and being available to help where I can'.
Discuss their fears regarding engaging with emotion to understand their apprehension to do so. You can then address these underlying fears.
Consider a mutually beneficial compromise such as a "little and often" approach to discussing emotions with each other.
Reevaluate your relationship to see if you are the right match for each other. Try to have an honest and open discussion about it while making it clear what your intentions are.
Consider professional help and couples counselling if you agree to move the relationship forward.
Being able to share feelings and vulnerabilities with your partner is an essential part of being in a relationship. Understanding the underlying reasons and taking note of the signs will go a long way in resolving these issues.
Further Reading
Some conversation tips for men.
Sue Johnson’s book ‘Hold Me Tight’, taking an attachment approach to relationships.
A wider read on men in ‘Perspectives in Male Psychology’.
We are Coaching & Clinical Psychologists with extensive experience helping people conquer a range of wellbeing and performance issues at home and in the workplace. We can also help men with their relationship challenges. Read more about our work, watch practical skills videos or browse other articles. Get in touch anytime.
