Am I Being Unreasonable (AIBU)? Here Are The 3 Key Signs
Mumsnet AIBU: Spot & Respond to Being Unreasonable
Forget Mumsnet. We've answered the question 'Am I being unreasonable (AIBU)' in this article.
Recognising when we are acting unreasonably in a discussion can be difficult. A type of 'mental blindness' can occur when emotions are high and/or we feel strongly about an issue. However, being unreasonable can seriously damage our relationships.
Knowing the signs of this state can help diffuse the situation and increase the odds of a positive outcome. There are several key signs that we may be being unreasonable.
An awareness of these signals can help you remain positive and constructive in relationships.
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Why Am I Being Unreasonable?
The reasons are varied and will change from person to person. However, some common reasons include:
Being ‘caught’ by intense emotions
Difficulty taking another person’s perspective
Underling relationship problems
A person having negative beliefs about their own personality and skills (e.g., low self-esteem)
Difficult personality traits, such as narcissism.
Underlying psychological issues, such as depression or anxiety.
The Signs
There are several key signs that you may be being unreasonable:
Refusing to listen to or acknowledge the other person's perspective
An unwillingness or inability to see things from another person's perspective may signal unreasonableness. In essence, you are not valuing another point of view. Failing to stand in the other person's shoes causes several problems. Lack of perspective-taking inhibits joint problem-solving, shuts communication, creates misunderstandings and leads to resentment.
Insisting on always being right
No one ever has all the answers. Constantly thinking you are right should be a red flag and indicate potential unreasonableness. This mental inflexibility prevents you from seeing multiple outcomes or solutions to a situation.
Ironically, thinking you are always right often leads to lower success or effectiveness. This behaviour can also make it difficult to resolve disagreements or conflicts. It is hard to back down when you always think you are right. Ultimately, this type of behaviour can damage relationships and impede productivity.
Only caring about your own interests
When someone is behaving unreasonably, it can often be challenging to have any productive discussion or negotiation. This is because the other person is only thinking about their own interests. This can cause a lot of tension and problems in relationships. An unreasonable person will often be very inflexible and unwilling to compromise.
Conflict and resentment can result as the other person feels like they are constantly being taken advantage of. Ultimately, this type of behaviour can cause a lot of damage to relationships.
How To Respond
If you realise that you are behaving unreasonably, the first thing to do is make a genuine apology. You must acknowledge the behaviour and attempt to make amends. Failure to do this will prevent any reduction in ill feeling. It is hard to move forward when the other person remains frustrated and resentful.
The next step is to increase flexibility in thinking and behaviour. Some strategies to achieve this include:
Do something to reduce the emotional intensity. Take a self time-out, use a relaxation strategy, or try a mindfulness exercise. Strong, unpleasant emotions tend to keep people in an unreasonable frame of mind.
Next, re-enter the conversation and understand the other person's perspective. The Resist, Gather, Validate, Ask approach is a great way to achieve this goal.
Finally, challenge your thinking by answering any of the following questions:
What am I assuming in this situation? Are there any problems with this assumption?
What's another way to see this situation?
What would I say to a friend who came to me for help with these inflexible thoughts?
How would I want another person to change their thinking if they had these thoughts towards me?
Summary
You can learn to spot the signs of being unreasonable. Use the above signs to build this skill. By using the above strategies, you can address this behaviour and improve your communication skills. This outcome can improve relationships and the quality of your interactions with others.
We have extensive experience helping people conquer a range of wellbeing and performance issues at home and in the workplace. We can also help if you think you’re being unreasonable with others. Read more about our work or browse other articles. Get in touch anytime.