The Five Top Strategies To Cope with a Yelling Husband
My Husband Yells At Me: Read the 5 Best Coping Strategies
Life with your partner is not always smooth sailing, as we all know. A happy life is not a constant.
It can be difficult to cope with a husband that yells. Maybe he's never done it before and you're caught off guard. Maybe it's a pattern of behaviour that you're all too familiar with. Either way, it's essential to know how to deal with the situation to protect yourself.
This article addresses women dealing with a yelling husband. But the information below applies to other relationships for both men and women.
Keep Safe
The most important message is that safety comes before anything else. You must act immediately if you have any concerns for your physical safety. This will usually involve seeking a place where you are physically safe and can access appropriate help.
You should also consider whether yelling is part of a larger problem. This would include mistreatment, emotional abuse, or violence. Constant yelling and screaming, or being verbally abused should raise big red flags.
Is he On-Board?
The next consideration is your husband's approach to this situation. There is a good chance of progress when:
He is aware of his yelling
Acknowledges the need for change
Prepared to discuss the issue calmly.
There is little you can do if he doesn't acknowledge the problem. There is further cause for concern if he doesn't take the time to understand your concerns or even blames you for the behaviour.
Five Strategies
Yelling at your spouse is toxic behaviour that needs attention. The following recommendations are based on the assumption that your husband recognises a problem and wants to make positive changes. Also, he must take full responsibility for his behaviour. As soon as you hear "I wouldn't yell so much if you only....", you are unlikely to make progress.
Gather Information
First, it's essential to understand why your husband is yelling.
Is he generally a calm person who only raises his voice when feeling overwhelmed or frustrated? Is he someone who regularly loses his temper? Also, consider when he is most likely to yell. Detecting triggers can provide clues about causes.
Finally, listen to each other's point of view. This information can provide valuable clues. Of course, you both need to explore these questions together. There's a problem if you're doing all the work. Good communication skills come in handy here.
Make An Initial Plan
Agree on a plan for when warning signs arise. An early response maximises the chances of managing yelling behaviour.
This plan should include de-escalation strategies. Use whatever tactic works. For instance, he may opt for a self 'time-out' to calm and re-group. It is not your sole responsibility trying to stop your husband from yelling.
Learn From Incidents
Agree to follow up on 'close calls' and yelling incidents.
Don't get discouraged when the plan doesn't work. These situations are usually good learning opportunities.
What went wrong? How would we do things differently next time? Do we need to modify our plan?
Normalise
Many people will tell you to stay calm. The problem with this advice is that it's not always realistic to keep your cool. In addition, failing to keep calm can lead to excessive self-criticism ("I should not have let the situation get to me").
Instead, have your calming strategies (e.g., diaphragmatic breathing) but normalise any distress. It's never a nice situation when someone yells at you. Especially a family member or husband. It's perfectly normal to feel distressed in these circumstances.
Extra Support
Consider some additional help. Persistent yelling with serious knock-on effects may warrant professional input.
A persistent problem such as this may be due to complex underlying issues that need addressing (a lot of stress, anger issues, communication skills difficulties). This extra support may be required to stop yelling.
Summary
Dealing with a yelling husband is never easy. But, there are things you can do to diffuse the situation and understand the causes.
Your husband needs to take responsibility for his behaviour and genuinely want to make progress. The chances of a positive outcome are limited without these critical ingredients. Try the above strategies if you're in a safe environment and you're sure you're both committed to change.
Further reading:
Sue Johnson’s relationship advice book based on ‘attachment theory’.
Gottman and Sliver provide seven strategies for relationship success in this popular book.
Again, remember to call emergency services in your local area immediately if you have any concerns for your safety or that of another person.
We are Coaching & Clinical Psychologists with extensive experience helping people conquer a range of wellbeing and performance issues at home and in the workplace. We can also help with relationship difficulties. Read more about our work, watch practical skills videos or browse other articles. Get in touch anytime.