Building a social network at university
How To Make Friends At Uni
Transitioning to life at university is a big job. You are dealing with lots of change; leaving home, moving town/city, managing increased independence and responsibility. This time is stressful. People can experience well-being issues making this adjustment (1,2).
Social support is good for mental health and buffers against stress (3). But it can be tough to establish a social network at university. More widely, it doesn’t feel good to lack friends. Few people would choose to be loneliness on the outskirts of friendship groups.
Spotting underlying issues
You can find many web pages with advice on making friends. However, few acknowledge that some people have long-standing difficulties with friendship formation and social interaction. These challenges must be recognised and addressed.
Look out for these signs:
Long standing issues making friends
A tendency to spend most of your time alone
A history of fearing negative evaluation by others
Persistent worry about making mistakes (e.g., stumbling over words)
Difficulties controlling your emotions around others (e.g., tendency to get angry)
You don’t ‘get’ people, or find yourself frequently saying/doing the wrong thing
There are numerous causes for these difficulties. Anything from social anxiety to emotion management issues can harm social skills. Consider seeking professional help for issues that you’ve not been able to resolve on your own.
Tips and suggestions
Assuming there are no underlying difficulties, here are some general suggestions to help grow your friendship network.
Start with some realism
It’s important to remember to keep expectations realistic. Growing your friendship circle is a slow process that takes lots of effort. Also, not everyone will like you. That’s normal, in the same way there are people you run a mile from. You might gravitate towards introversion and need to take a ‘little and often’ approach to social contact.
Get in position
Put yourself in social situations on a regular basis. You need to create lots of opportunities to meet new people. Finding genunine connections is a numbers game. You must meet lots of people to find a few you like. Expect to be out of your comfort zone. This is ok, provided you’re not severely anxious.
Managing appearances
We always hear the classic ‘be yourself’ advice. But, this is easier said than done. Just do the best you can. University is a new experience where lots of people pressurise themselves to fit a certain image. It’s tough to resist that urge. Most people act more naturally as they get to know someone.
The thoughts count
Watch out for unhelpful thinking patterns. These can be anything from fear of negative evaluation, to unrealistic expectations, self-criticism and mind-reading (e.g., ‘He thinks I’m boring’). We have lots of techniques for managing these thoughts. Look at my skills videos page for some ideas.
Use your existing network
Some existing friends are likely to be struggling to build a social network. Keep connected with these people and talk about the experience.
Existing resources
Use university resources to identify opportunities to connect: Social groups, clubs, and special interest groups are good ways to find people with similar interests.
Social media as a wingman/person/woman
Use social media to support, not replace, friendship growth. The effect of social media on well-being is complex. There are positive and negative effects depending on how we use online platforms (4). Try using social media to make initial connections, then move to in-person interactions where possible.
We are Coaching & Clinical Psychologists with extensive experience helping people conquer a range of wellbeing and performance issues at home and in the workplace. We can also help you build a social network. Read more about our work, watch practical skills videos or browse other articles. Get in touch anytime.
References
(1) Bewick B, Koutsopoulou G, Miles J, Slaa E, Barkham M. Changes in undergraduate students' psychological well-being as they progress through university. Stud High Educ. (2010) 35:633–45. doi: 10.1080/03075070903216643
(2) Cooke R, Bewick B, Barkham M, Bradley M, Audin K. Measuring, monitoring and managing the psychological well-being of first year university students. Br J Guid Counsell. (2006) 34:505–17. doi: 10.1080/03069880600942624
(3) Cohen, S., & Wils, T. A. (1985). Stress, social support, and the buffering hypothesis. Psychological Bulletin, 98(2), 310-357. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.98.2.310
(4) Kross, E., Verduyn, P., Sheppes, G., Costello, C. K., Jonides, J., & Ybarra, O. (2021). Social media and well-being: Pitfalls, progress, and next steps. Trends in Cognitive Sciences, 25(1), 55-66. doi: 10.1016/j.tics.2020.10.005