Set Boundaries Find Peace: The What & How Of Boundaries

Set Boundaries Find Peace is a popular self-help book by Nedra Tawwab. While read by many, there are potential criticisms of this publication. Potential issues range from heavy reliance on the author's experiences to a lack of empirical evidence.

So, we've provided an alternative short, practical overview of boundaries and how to set them.

What Are Boundaries?

Most of us have heard terms like 'establish healthy boundaries', 'work life balance' and 'cope with toxic people and enjoy your life' but what does this mean in reality?

In psychological terms, boundaries are barriers or limits placed on yourself or others to promote well-being. We set boundaries in various domains of our personal or professional lives. Boundaries may relate to emotions, activities, use of your time, and so on. However, achieving work-life balance and intimate relationships are frequent focal points.

Boundaries may be of high interest to those who have struggles with anxiety, depression, burnout, and other problems. This topic is important because boundary setting can influence well-being.

For instance, blurred work-personal life boundaries can reduce happiness and decrease healthy lifestyle behaviours (1). In this way, we can have 'healthy' and 'unhealthy' boundaries. Allowing a child to eat junk food fortnightly during movie night is healthier than free access 24/7.

While many research gaps exist, this topic is of great interest to practitioner psychologists and their clients.

The Psychological Theory Behind Setting Boundaries

We can apply various theoretical perspectives to boundaries.

For example, our boundary-setting habits may emerge from early relationship patterns. Attachment theory describes the formation of relationship 'templates'. Problematic attachment styles lead to relationship difficulties. People with anxious attachment styles may have trouble setting boundaries in their dating relationships by being too intrusive (2).

Other relevant theories concern identity. For instance, social identity theory (3) outlines how membership of social groups (e.g., sports teams) shapes identity. Identifying with a group prompts 'us' and 'them' categorisation of people.

Group identities can influence relationship boundaries. For example, we may tolerate being mocked by a football team mate, but strike out at sideline jeering by an opposition spectator.

When To Use Boundary Setting

Boundary setting can serve at least two main purposes:

Enhancing overall psychological health
Addressing specific situations or important issues

Setting clear working hours and not working beyond these limits might represent a long-term well-being strategy. Not raising one's voice during an interaction between relationship partners could be a helpful boundary to encourage positive communication practices.

Boundaries can be used to promote positive actions, or limited the impact of unwanted behaviour. Basically, we can use boundary setting as a tool to achieve almost any desired outcome.

While boundaries can guide positive actions and curb negative ones, they are not sufficient to achieve challenging goals or to address complicated issues. Therefore, boundaries should be part of a wider toolkit of strategies to manage your life.

Signs That You Need Boundaries

There are no firm guidelines here. However, frustration, resentment, or bad relationship treatment may indicate boundary issues. The inability to achieve desired goals may be another.

These issues could indicate the scope for boundary work. But, they could equally indicate another issue. You may get more value from identifying life challenges where boundaries could be usefully applied. Looking for 'signs' may use up mental energy that could be directed towards solutions.

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Practical Advice On Setting Boundaries Successfully

Here are steps you can follow on boundary setting:

First, be clear on the issue you want to address
Next, identify a specific outcome you hope to achieve
Third, brainstorm the potential boundaries you could introduce to the situation. Think of these in terms of:
- Boundaries applied to yourself (things you will do/not do)
- Boundaries applied to other people
- Boundaries applied to a situation/environment
Once you have listed all potential boundaries, pick a manageable number to implement. 'Managable' may be just one boundary. Regardless of the selected number, it's crucial to consistently implement the boundaries you select.
Review and refine- monitor progress towards your objective and refine the use of boundaries where needed (e.g., place more stringent limits on a person's behaviour)

These steps are sometimes easier-said than done. But you must start with a clear game plan to maximise the chances of success.

Summary

Boundaries are a useful tool in helping you to negotiate life's challenges. Typically, they won't unravel a root problem, but effective boundary setting can improve your well-being. Think about the use of boundaries in your life and try the above plan if you'd like a structured approach to this technique.

Boundary Setting: Your Five-Step Guide To Success