Anxious (Preoccupied) Attachment: Here's what to do

Anxious or preoccupied attachment is one of the four attachment styles. These relationship 'templates' guide our thinking, emotions, and action in relationships. This topic has generated huge interest since the 1930s, with psychological studies numbering in the thousands.

What is anxious attachment, and what does it mean for you? This article provides a brief explanation of this phenomenon and what you can do about it.

The Fundamentals of Attachment

Attachment theory essentially states that we are born preloaded with relationship software. This programming drives us to seek physical closeness to parents or caregivers when needed.

How carers react to babies seeking them out has a huge influence on how children go on to think about other people. Caring and responsible parents will encourage a view of people as (generally) dependable, reliable and safe.

Attachment theory dates back to the 1940s when John Bowlby first began to study the bond between mothers and their children. He found that children with secure attachment to their mother were most likely to thrive emotionally and socially.

You can’t understate just how influential attachment theory has been across many fields of study. Attachment style has been linked with many areas. Outcomes studied range from mental health functioning to our behaviour in relationships and at work (1).

Anxious Attachment

Major adversity in infancy and childhood messes up the process of healthy attachment development. For example, neglect, abuse, or an absent parent can influence the development of attachment behaviours that may become problematic. These and other disturbing childhood experiences heavily influence attachment patterns.

Researchers have identified four different attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant (or dismissive avoidant attachment style), and disorganised (or fearful avoidant attachment). Each attachment style is associated with a different set of behaviours and feelings. Anxious and avoidant are known as the two primary insecure attachment styles.

One attachment pattern is referred to as anxious or preoccupied. This attachment category is problematic when over-used or rigidly applied to relationships.

The anxious attachment style is marked by feelings of insecurity and fear of rejection and/or abandonment. People with an anxious attachment style often worry about their partner’s love for them. These fears extend to whether or not the relationship will last. They may also be very dependent on their partner or have difficulty trusting the relationship.

Features of Anxious Attachment

People with an anxious attachment style are often seen as ‘clingy’ to their romantic partners. An anxiously attached person will often need a lot of reassurance from their partner. They may also be insecure and jealous, and constantly have a fear of abandonment. Signs that someone may have an anxious attachment style include:

Being a people pleaser or frequently putting the needs of others first
Feeling insecure and unworthy
Constantly needing attention
Feeling trapped or suffocated in the relationship
Being jealous or possessive
Idealising partner
Pick fights, threaten to leave, and other provoking behaviours to get the other person’s attention
Having low self-esteem

In reality, people are unique. Anxious attachment looks different from person to person, but the above signs are common indicators. The above features may occur with other psychological issues (e.g., anxiety disorders). So it is important to avoid leaping to conclusions before talking with a qualified professional.

How to Fix Anxious Attachment Style

People with an anxious attachment style can struggle to cope with their fears and insecurities on their own. They may benefit from seeking professional help to address these issues. Attachment styles can be modified positively over time, but this change takes effort over a long period (2).

Here are some strategies to start you on the path towards a more healthy relationship and secure attachment style:

You must be prepared to take some risks. This means being more open with your partner about your fears and insecurities. Keeping these concerns to yourself is adding fuel to a fire. Remaining in your own head leads to intensified cognitive distortions (thinking errors).
Challenge assumptions and predictions around rejection and embarrassment. Several CBT techniques can be useful in this area.
‘Activating strategies’ are unhealthy behaviours intended to get your partner’s attention when feeling anxious about the relationship. Examples include starting a fight or ignoring a voicemail. Keep a diary documenting your activating strategies, then look to replace them with healthy alternatives. For example, having a weekly feedback session to discuss what each other is finding positive and challenging in the relationship.
Put yourself first more often. Start with ‘small’ gestures (e.g., choosing a restaurant that you want to visit) because this increases the chances of following through. You can take on increasingly challenging tasks as your anxiety reduces Your anxious brain will predict disaster (e.g., anger from another person) so make a note of what actually happens.
Make sure that you have your own independent friendships and activities outside of the relationship. This will help you feel more secure in the relationship and less dependent on your partner.

Aug 23 Anxious Attachment

Anxious (Preoccupied) Attachment: Here's what to do

The Fundamentals of Attachment

Anxious Attachment

Features of Anxious Attachment

How to Fix Anxious Attachment Style

Sep 1 Why You Should Change Your Avoidant Attachment Style

Jul 25 Psychological Trauma