The Meaning Of Shame And How To Reduce It
Shame Meaning & What You Can Do About It
Shame is a painful feeling that can be debilitating. In addition, shame is associated with several other psychological issues ranging from low self-esteem to major psychiatric illness (1,2).
Shame is often described as the "secret" emotion because it's painful and difficult to discuss. We don't like to admit shame because it makes us feel weak and vulnerable. But the truth is, we all have felt shame at some point.
Ashamed
This psychological state occurs when we break social rules we see as important. For example, you may feel shame after yelling at someone based on the belief that you should never raise your voice.
Breaking these personal rules can make us feel humiliated and exposed to the hostile glare of others.
Shame can be focused internally (inside the body) or externally. Internal shame involves negative thoughts about self as seen through one's own eyes. External shame relates to perceived negative views of others.
A sense of inadequacy or worthlessness can cause a state of shame. It's different from guilt, which is the feeling that you have done something wrong. With shame, no specific event or action has occurred; rather, it's a sense of our whole selves as defective.
Real or perceived failures or shortcomings can trigger shame. It can be caused by negative messages from others, such as "You're not good enough," or by self-criticism. Shame can also be passed between generations. For example, if you grew up in a family where people constantly put each other down, you may have internalised those messages and now believe them to be true about yourself.
The Effects of Shame
Shame is a powerful emotion that can have far-reaching effects on our lives.
When we feel ashamed, we may feel paralysed and unable to pursue plans in important areas of our lives. We might avoid others as a coping strategy. Reduced social contact is associated with many additional adverse effects. These other problems create more difficulties.
Other problematic behaviours can emerge from shame. Some examples include:
Worrying about negative evaluation by others
Being perfectionistic
Not taking healthy risks through fear of failure and humiliation
Lashing out at others
In its most extreme form, shame can lead to reduced mental health. For instance, there is a strong link between shame and depression (Kim).
What Can You Do About Shame?
The good news is that psychological tools can help reduce levels of shame (Goffnett).
First, we must recognise that we all experience shame from time to time. However, shame levels can become excessive, causing unnecessary pain and additional problems.
Problem thinking patterns
Next, we need to confront the causes of shame. There may be a single event or multiple shame triggers. Either way, we must examine these situations and look for distorted thinking.
Shame tends to involve excessive 'personalising' of perceived rule-breaking. This means people tend to assign all the blame to themselves. However, you can consider the following questions:
Am I solely to blame for this situation?
Are there other factors that explain why my valued rules were broken?
Shame also involves sweeping, negative conclusions about your character; 'I am TOTALLY worthless', for example. This type of thinking is called 'generalisation'. You have made conclusions about your overall worth based on a single difficult incident. One response involves getting specific about what happened:
In what specific way did I let myself down?
Does this really represent evidence of overall failure?
You have many options when it comes to identifying and challenging problem thoughts. Here is more information on cognitive distortions.
Avoiding Isolation
It is vital to stay connected to friends and family when feeling ashamed. Your network can provide support, give an alternative perspective to shame talk, and be a source of positive interactions. In addition, you may want to consider some professional help in severe cases of shame.
Compassion
Self-compassion is an excellent strategy to counter shame. Compassion helps us recognise suffering, explore it, and look for ways to improve our circumstances. Here is an exercise to give you a taste of this approach.
That’s Shame
Shame is a painful emotion we all experience at some point in our lives. It's essential to understand what shame is and how it affects us so that we can start working through it and healing the wounds it has caused. If you're struggling with shame, reach out for help. There are people who care about you and want to help you through this difficult time.
Further Reading
John Bradshaw has written a useful book on coping with shame.
We are Coaching & Clinical Psychologists with extensive experience helping people conquer a range of wellbeing and performance issues at home and in the workplace. We can also help with issues of shame. Read more about our work, watch practical skills videos or browse other articles. Get in touch anytime.
References
(1) Budiarto, Y., & Helmi, A. F. (2021). Shame and Self-Esteem: A Meta-Analysis. Europe’s Journal of Psychology, 17(2), 131-145. https://doi.org/10.5964/ejop.2115
(2) Park, H. Y., Seo, E., Park, K. M., Koo, S. J., Lee, E., & An, S. K. (2021). Shame and guilt in youth at ultra-high risk for psychosis. Comprehensive Psychiatry, 108, 152241. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.comppsych.2021.152241
Kim, S., Thibodeau, R., & Jorgensen, R. S. (2011). Shame, guilt, and depressive symptoms: A meta-analytic review. Psychological Bulletin, 137(1), 68–96. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0021466
Goffnett, J., Liechty, J. M., & Kidder, E. (2020). Interventions to reduce shame: A systematic review. Journal of Behavioral and Cognitive Therapy, 30(2), 141-160. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jbct.2020.03.001