Why You Should Change Your Avoidant Attachment Style
Tackling The Dismissive Avoidant Attachment Style
If you're struggling in your romantic relationships, it may be due to your avoidant attachment style. People with this attachment framework tend to be uncomfortable in close relationships and find it difficult to trust or be emotionally open with others.
However, there are things you can do to change your attachment style. Psychological therapy can help you understand and work through your attachment issues to have a healthy relationship with your partner, friends and family.
If you care about emotional connection, you need to know about attachment.
In this article:
What is Attachment?
Attachment theory is a psychological explanation of the emotions and behaviours that occur in relationships between humans. It focuses on why and how people form close relationships with others in order to be connected and feel safe.
The key features of attachment theory are:
Attachment figures provide safety and security for children
Children seek proximity to their attachment figure when feeling threatened or anxious
Attachment figures serve as a secure base for their children, from which the children can explore the world
Attachment relationships are reciprocal, meaning that both the child and the attachment figure influence each other.
Attachment styles are formed in early childhood and tend to be stable across the lifespan. Attachment is associated with various aspects of psychological functioning from mental health to behaviour at work (1,2).
We are born with a behavioural attachment system (ABS). This system consists of behaviours designed to seek support/safety from others when feeling threatened (3). For instance, infants will usually cry out for a parent when scared. Over time, we develop attachment styles based on how people respond to our ABS.
We have learned much about how the ABS operates in adult attachment.
What is Avoidant Attachment Style?
We are likely to develop a secure attachment style if parents are responsive and comforting to our ABS.
However, problematic styles can also emerge. One attachment pattern is 'avoidant' (also known as 'dismissive'). This form of attachment is known as one of the 'insecure' attachment styles. It is characterised by feelings of discomfort or anxiety about close relationships.
People with an avoidant attachment template tend to be less trusting and emotionally open than those with more secure attachments. They may also have difficulty expressing their needs and emotions. These people may also distance themselves from others when they feel threatened or overwhelmed.
Some key features and signs of an avoidant attachment style include:
Avoiding or downplaying the importance of close relationships
Viewing intimacy as a source of potential pain or discomfort
Being emotionally distant or withdrawn in close relationships
Focusing more on self-reliance and independence than on dependence on others
Having difficulty trusting and being open with others
Putting up barriers to prevent getting too close to others
What Causes Avoidant Attachment?
There is no one cause of an avoidant attachment style.
However, it may be influenced by difficult early experiences such as emotionally and/or physically unavailable caregivers (usually parents) or a lack of response to emotional needs.
Avoidant attachment can also result from observing dysfunctional relationships and learning that displays of emotions are met with criticism or rejection. In some cases, people with this attachment style may have had their trust betrayed or experienced other significant hurts in a close relationship. As a result, they learn to protect themselves by emotionally keeping their distance from others.
While attachment style is relatively stable, it can change through adulthood. Avoidant attachment may be modified through major life events such as trauma or other challenging life events.
Consequences of Avoidant Attachment
People with an avoidant attachment style may find it challenging to form close, intimate relationships. Their desire for independence and lack of trust in others can make it hard for them to let anyone get too close. This strategy can lead to social isolation and loneliness.
Additionally, people with avoidant attachment may also experience higher levels of anxiety and depression (4). These individuals may have difficulty regulating their emotions and constantly feel on edge.
Without close relationships to provide support, people with an avoidant attachment style may have a more difficult time coping with life's challenges.
People with an avoidant attachment style use various strategies to 'deactivate' their ABS. These behaviours range from pulling away from a relationship that's going well to focusing on minor imperfections in a partner.
What Can I Do?
If you have an avoidant attachment style, there are things you can do to change it.
Self Help
One useful strategy is to become aware of your deactivating strategies. Recognising these behaviours is the first step in stopping or modifying them. This change will allow you to experience and tolerate closeness for longer periods (with the help of additional strategies).
Another strategy involves taking opportunities to provide mutual support. This tactic can help reduce the amount of time spent being 'independent' from another person.
Finally, you can challenge the notion that 'the one' or a perfect partner is out there waiting for you. This idea is a complete myth. Learning to see the positives in a partner and discovering ways to manage imperfections is a win-win for both people.
Professional Help
Some people with avoidant attachment styles benefit from professional help to understand why they struggle to form relationships and repeat unhelpful patterns. Talking therapies can help you to see your patterns of avoidance in relationships and work through the emotions that may be driving these patterns.
You can learn how to form healthier, more secure attachments with others and how to share more of yourself in relationships.
Summary & Next Steps
Attachment styles can be problematic when over-relying on avoidant strategies. Therefore, identifying your attachment style is a helpful way to start understanding your relationship behaviour.
While there are strategies you can try to challenge unhelpful attachment tendencies, many people need to seek some professional support to make long-term and meaningful progress.
Don't hesitate to get in touch and discuss help with your relationship and attachment concerns.
Further reading:
Levine and Heller have written this helpful book on attachment and romantic relationships.
Here’s a workbook by Annie Chen with activities to explore attachment and relationships with others.
We are Coaching & Clinical Psychologists with extensive experience helping people conquer a range of wellbeing and performance issues at home and in the workplace. We can also help with relationship and attachment challenges. Read more about our work, watch practical skills videos or browse other articles. Get in touch anytime.
References
(1) Pearse, E., Bucci, S., Raphael, J., & Berry, K. (2020). The relationship between attachment and functioning for people with serious mental illness: a systematic review. Nordic journal of psychiatry, 74(8), 545–557. https://doi.org/10.1080/08039488.2020.1767687
(2) Yip, J, Ehrhardt, K, Black, H, Walker, DO. Attachment theory at work: A review and directions for future research. J Organ Behav. 2018; 39: 185– 198. https://doi.org/10.1002/job.2204
(3) https://www.guilford.com/excerpts/mikulincer2_old.pdf?t
(4) Jinyao, Y., Xiongzhao, Z., Auerbach, R.P., Gardiner, C.K., Lin, C., Yuping, W. and Shuqiao, Y. (2012), Insecure attachment as a predictor of depressive and anxious symptomology. Depress Anxiety, 29: 789-796. https://doi.org/10.1002/da.21953
