Are Two Pleasers A Good Relationship Match?
Can Two Pleasers Make a Good Couple?
If you're the type of person who always puts others first and tends to avoid conflict at all costs, you might be a people-pleaser. And if you're dating a people pleaser (or someone who has a similar personality), you may be wondering whether the two of you make a good match.
Doomed To Fail?
Overall, the news appears to be positive. Research suggests that people-pleasing tendencies can actually benefit relationships. Those who are open, agreeable and conscientious tend to be more satisfied in their relationships (1).
But, this link is not straightforward.
For example, being agreeable is associated with relationship satisfaction when there are few arguments and other negative exchanges (2). Conflict can be uncomfortable. But it's also an inevitable part of any close relationship. The good news is that if you and your partner are both people-pleasers, you're likely to go out of your way to avoid conflict altogether.
While this might not seem like a bad thing at first glance, it's important to remember that some conflict is actually healthy for relationships. That's because conflict gives couples the opportunity to communicate openly about their needs and wants and to practice problem-solving skills together. So, while avoiding conflict might help keep the peace in your relationship initially, it could eventually lead to bigger problems down the road.
Hidden Traps
Despite the potential benefits, people-pleasing must be done in moderation.
You risk comprising your relationship needs if you find yourself constantly bending over backwards for your partner. This can happen when you worry excessively about disapproval or abandonment.
Fear of disapproval might reflect an underlying issue of social anxiety. Pleasing behaviours will not be healthy when used to avoid the perceived fear of negative evaluation. You might feel the need to go the extra mile in the early stages of a relationship. But, a healthy balance between give and take should develop quickly.
Worrying about abandonment could indicate anxious attachment tendencies. Setting boundaries and communication are the keys to feeling safe.
When two people-pleasers are in a relationship, they might start to feel like they have to tip-toe around each other all the time so as not to upset the other person or cause any conflict. This can lead to feelings of frustration and even resentment over time. If you find yourself feeling this way often, it might be worth talking to your partner about how you're feeling and why conflict avoidance isn't always the best strategy for managing differences between you two.
Summary
Two pleasers can make a good couple—but only if they strike the right balance between being agreeable and assertive. If either person starts neglecting their own needs or feelings in order to keep the peace, that's when problems can start to arise.
So if you're in a relationship with another people-pleaser, make sure that you're both taking care of yourselves and communicating openly about your needs—that way, you can avoid any potential pitfalls down the road.
Further reading:
Here is a useful book on relationship improvement by Sue Johnson that takes an ‘attachment’ perspective.
We are Coaching & Clinical Psychologists with extensive experience helping people conquer a range of wellbeing and performance issues at home and in the workplace. We can also help if you’re too much of a people-pleaser. Read more about our work, watch practical skills videos or browse other articles. Get in touch anytime.
References
(1) Sayehmiri, K., Kareem, K.I., Abdi, K. et al. The relationship between personality traits and marital satisfaction: a systematic review and meta-analysis. BMC Psychol 8, 15 (2020). https://doi.org/10.1186/s40359-020-0383-z
(2) Tov, W., Nai, Z. L., & Lee, H. W. (2016). Extraversion and Agreeableness: Divergent Routes to Daily Satisfaction With Social Relationships. Journal of personality, 84(1), 121–134. https://doi.org/10.1111/jopy.12146
