Exulansis
Exulansis Definition
Exulansis is a term coined by John Koenig in his Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows. He defines this concept as:
"The tendency to give up trying to talk about an experience because people are unable to relate to it..."
This article covers a few ideas on how we might think about exulansis from a psychological perspective.
What does exulansis mean?
Exulansis is probably a concept to which we can all relate. Numerous life events and psychological challenges are difficult to explain or describe to others who have not shared that same experience.
Despite a desire to convey or explain life events, we often discover that an 'experiential gap' exists between people, leading to a breakdown in understanding. In other words, a person may not be able to relate to you because they haven't felt or been through the process you are describing.
Here’s a couple of examples:
Unless you have experienced clinical depression, it is difficult to understand how this condition differs from feeling low.
Unless you suffer from chronic fatigue, you might lack first-hand exposure to comparable medical symptoms.
Why might this breakdown in understanding occur?
This breakdown may not only come from a lack of shared experience. An ability to understand another person relies on some pretty sophisticated skills. Empathy and mentalisation are two examples here.
Empathy is the ability to put yourself in another person's shoes through awareness of their thoughts and feelings.
Mentalisation is the ability to interpret people's behaviour by imagining what they were thinking and feeling at the time.
Furthermore, just because two people go through the same event, this does not guarantee they will relate to each other's subjective experience of that event. For instance, the death of a mother might differ significantly depending on the relationship with the deceased.
Therefore, exulansis may not result solely from a lack of shared life events. People perceive events in different ways. Psychological tools are also required to make sense of event descriptions provided by other people.
When people give up talking about important experiences
I have seen my clients face the unhelpful results of exulansis. People can become withdrawn, frustrated, feel helpless and isolated. As humans, we want to be understood and feel connected to others. Left solely to the brain's self-talk, withdrawal from others can lead to warped perceptions of ourselves, the world around us, alongside other negative psychological consequences.
What can I do about exulansis?
Here are some tips to help you respond to exulansis:
Consider what you want to get from explaining your experiences to another person. The goal is not always to be understood. Sometimes, people want to share their 'story' with someone. They want to know they're not the only person holding an important record of their lives.
Be wary of a tendency to blame yourself for exulansis. As mentioned above, it takes many psychological skills to really get where a person's coming from. Relating to a person's experience takes skill and effort from both the speaker and the recipient.
Accept that it might take a lot of effort to find someone who gets you. Support groups and organisations exist for many important life experiences (e.g., grief, cancer, dyslexia). You might have to make a large investment in time and effort to connect with someone who gets it. But, this effort is usually worthwhile. Nothing beats that feeling of being genuinely understood.
Exulansis happens. We don't all live the same lives or have the same things happen to us.
When you feel like giving up trying to be understood, try a few of the tips listed above and see if you can make a connection with someone who understands.
Other articles
John Koenig has come up with some other interesting concepts. You can read articles I have written on liberosis, monachopsis and sonder.
We are Coaching & Clinical Psychologists with extensive experience helping people conquer a range of wellbeing and performance issues at home and in the workplace. Read more about our work, watch practical skills videos or browse other articles. Get in touch anytime.
