Feeling like a failure
I’m A Failure
Feeling like a failure is an issue with many root causes... and it definitely does not feel good. All of us can feel this way from time to time. But some people experience this state as persistent and life-interfering.
This problem can really dent your mental health in severe cases.
The keys to success with this problem are understanding why you feel this way, and what response options you have.
In this article:
Why am I such a failure?
Feeling like a failure is primarily a cognitive (thinking) process. This observation makes the term ‘feeling’ a bit misleading. ‘I believe I am a failure’ perhaps more accurately captures the nature of this issue. But the perception of failure is more than a few negative thoughts.
Why do I feel like a failure? It’s complicated. Evaluations of success/failure encompass self-perception, attributions (how we explain events and/or outcomes), and social comparison, to name a few. In essence, we are making a comparison with an expected or desired standard through various means.
A failure reference point could be anything. For example:
A personal value
A performance standard expectation
Position of other people in areas important to you (e.g., job success, number of friends, etc).
Failure origins and maintenance
The tendency to see yourself as a failure can originate from various life experiences.
For instance, you may have been subject to overly harsh or critical parenting. Perhaps you didn’t perform as you desired at key moments (e.g., after being promoted to a dream job). A negative self-identity may lock people into the assumption they are doomed to fail. An entrenched failure mindset could represent a failure to achieve life schema.
You can get caught in a vicious cycle once you assume you won’t succeed. People stop attempting to be successful or give up at the first obstacle. Anything that does go your way is put down to external factors, such as luck (as with imposter syndrome).
I have failed you
Perceived failure sometimes involves behaviour towards other people. In this context, we assume we have directly let others down through our actions (or inaction) (e.g., father to a child). This can be a painful form of perceived failure, particularly if the relationship is with someone important in your life.
Failure for real
Failure also happens in reality. We are not always imagining this situation.
Your approach to real-life failure is critical. Specifically, a ‘learn from your failures’ mindset serves many people well. Also, being afraid to fail in the first place can limit your potential through self-defeating behaviour (e.g., never taking a calculated risk). You may even get the opposite of the intended effect in actively avoiding failure (e.g., poor work performance through procrastination).
When you feel like a failure
There are many strategies to cope with feeling like a failure. Ideally, you will utilise a combination of cognitive and behaviour responses. Here are a few examples:
Ask yourself ‘Where is the hard evidence for this failure?’. Often, this mindset is more perception than reality. We need to separate genuine from perceived failure.
Keep a ‘success diary’ where you document achievements, no matter how small they seem.
Examine your definition of failure. Are there any problems with your viewpoint? For instance, does your definition contains elements of perfectionism?
Try to view actual failures as opportunities to better yourself. Structured reflection is way way to maximise learning from difficult experiences.
Keep a diary of behaviours used to protect yourself from failure experiences. For example, you may avoid taking risks (e.g., talking to an unfamiliar colleague at work), or over-prepare for tasks. Next, try eliminating these behaviours one-by-one (which could involve taking an opposite action).
Seek regular feedback on your performance with important tasks. Try to source someone who is objective.
Feel like a failure quotes
Sometimes an inspirational quote or two demonstrates potential failure mindsets that allow us to maximise learning from these difficult experiences. Here are a few examples:
Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising every time we fail. Confucious
It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all – in which case, you fail by default. J. K. Rowling
It’s fine to celebrate success, but it is more important to heed the lessons of failure. Bill Gates
We are Coaching & Clinical Psychologists with extensive experience helping people conquer a range of wellbeing and performance issues at home and in the workplace. We can also help if you’re feeling like a failure. Read more about our work, watch practical skills videos or browse other articles. Get in touch anytime.
