Pet bereavement
My Pet Died And I Can’t Stop Crying
The death of a pet is a painful experience for many people. This form of grief can be as difficult as the death of a human (1). After all, many pets are another family member. Animals can also enhance the mental health and quality of life of their owners (2). The grief experience is highly individual, whether you face the loss of a human or animal. There’s no instruction manual, nor should there be.
Regarding grief, we should worry less about species and more about factors that influence this process. For example:
Grief is more severe in those who had a close relationship with the deceased (1).
Grief intensity is higher in those who are lonely (5).
Pet loss comes with various reactions, just like when a human dies (5). There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Crying, sometimes excessively, is a natural aspect of bereavement. In the dual-process theory of grief (4), healthy grief involves moving between mourning (e.g., crying, remembering, looking at photos) and rebuilding your life.
Whether you feel sad or completely devastated, crying is part of the ‘loss orientated’ process of grief. Neglecting either one of these processes is likely to result in problems.
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Challenges
Comparing the death of humans and animals is problematic (6). This is partly due to the unique features of animals’ lives. Some specific challenges with pet bereavement include (1):
A shorter lifespan (relative to humans). This brings the anticipation of grief and the possibility of multiple losses.
Having to make life and death decisions for the pet (e.g., euthanasia).
But, the biggest challenge with pet grief is the tendency of people and society to minimise the seriousness of this loss. Perhaps, as a result, some people feel embarrassed by their grief (7). People also tend to mourn privately (8). In the absence of good social support, grief can be prolonged.
Warning signs
If uncontrollable crying persists for months or longer, it may be time to seek some additional support. Crying is normal, but remaining ‘stuck’ in your grief may indicate a problematic grief process.
Strategies
Managing grief after pet loss requires many strategies. Allowing yourself to grieve is very important. There is no set timeline or method for grieving a beloved pet. Additional problems will be caused when you set these artificial grief rules.
Instead, consider the following suggestions:
Normalise grief.
You can view crying and mourning as an expression of the love and positive relationship you had with your pet (rather than something abnormal).
Don’t set expectations.
There are no rules for grief, and there’s certainly no timeline.
Look out for unhelpful emotions, thoughts and assumptions.
Telling yourself that grief is unacceptable (or other unhelpful statements) will only prolong and even complicate your grief. Many people feel guilty after the death of a loved one. However, this can become problematic if prolonged and/or excessive.
Seek support.
Many people morn in private. Friends and family might struggle to relate to your loss. If so, seek out other people who understand your situation (e.g., pet bereavement support group, other animal lovers).
Use rituals.
Learn from how we grieve the death of a human. Feel free to have remembrance ‘events’ and other rituals to preserve the memory of your pet (e.g., recalling good times).
Engage with animals.
As mentioned, grief is individual. Some people find it comforting to spend time with other animals (e.g., taking another person’s dog for walks, volunteering at animal shelters) (7).
Summary
Crying is a normal part of grief. This applies to human and pet grief. Watch out for uncontrolled crying that persists for months or more. Seek help in these circumstances. Otherwise, the above strategies can be used to manage what is a very painful period in a pet owner’s life.
Other reading you may find helpful:
Many people have benefitted from this book on grief by Megan Devine.
We are Coaching & Clinical Psychologists with extensive experience helping people conquer a range of wellbeing and performance issues at home and in the workplace. We can also help with bereavement. Read more about our work, watch practical skills videos or browse other articles. Get in touch anytime.
References
(1) Cleary, M., West, S., Thapa, D. K., Westman, M., Vesk, K., & Kornhaber, R. (2021). Grieving the loss of a pet: A qualitative systematic review. Death studies, 1–12. Advance online publication. https://doi.org/10.1080/07481187.2021.1901799
(2) Scoresby, K. J., Strand, E. B., Ng, Z., Brown, K. C., Stilz, C. R., Strobel, K., Barroso, C. S., & Souza, M. (2021). Pet Ownership and Quality of Life: A Systematic Review of the Literature. Veterinary sciences, 8(12), 332. https://doi.org/10.3390/vetsci8120332
(3) Cowling, D. M., Isenstein, S. G. E., & Schneider, M. S. (2020). When the Bond Breaks: Variables Associated with Grief Following Companion Animal Loss. Anthrozoös, 33(6), 693–708. https://doi.org/10.1080/08927936.2020.1824651
(4) Leonhardt-Parr, E., & Rumble, B. (2022). Coping with Animal Companion Loss: A Thematic Analysis of Pet Bereavement Counselling. Omega, 302228211073217. Advance online publication. https://doi.org/10.1177/00302228211073217
(5) Stroebe, M., & Schut, H. (1999). The dual process model of coping with bereavement: rationale and description. Death studies, 23(3), 197–224. https://doi.org/10.1080/074811899201046
(6) Lavorgna, B. F., & Hutton, V. E. (2019). Grief severity: A comparison between human and companion animal death. Death Studies, 43(8), 521–526. https://doi.org/10.1080/07481187.2018.1491485
(7) Park, R. M., Royal, K. D., & Gruen, M. E. (2021). A Literature Review: Pet Bereavement and Coping Mechanisms. Journal of applied animal welfare science : JAAWS, 1–15. Advance online publication. https://doi.org/10.1080/10888705.2021.1934839
(8) Park, R., & Royal, K. (2020). A National Survey of Companion Animal Owners' Self-Reported Methods of Coping Following Euthanasia. Veterinary sciences, 7(3), 89. https://doi.org/10.3390/vetsci7030089
Video reference:
Fiore, J. (2019). A Systematic Review of the Dual Process Model of Coping With Bereavement (1999–2016). OMEGA - Journal of Death and Dying. https://doi.org/10.1177/0030222819893139
