Is the grass really greener on the other side?
Is The Grass Greener On The Other Side?
We've all heard the expression the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.
It's a common saying that refers to the belief that other people's circumstances are better than ours.
We use this expression in everyday life, but there's also something called the 'grass is greener syndrome'. While this is not an official mental health condition, this thinking can cause dysphoria and be problematic for performance and wellbeing.
Understanding the grass is greener mindset helps us avoid the pitfalls of this perspective.
Understandable But Overused
Modern society is competitive. Many people work hard to appear happy and successful. For these (and other) reasons, it's understandable to make comparisons. 'Keeping up with the Joneses' is a well-known phrase for those striving for visible signs of achievement.
However, such pursuits make many people unhappy with an otherwise good life. One response to this is to seek improvements. There's nothing wrong with striving towards goals. But this strategy can become problematic when over-used.
Thinking Traps
Several cognitive or thinking patterns drive the grass is greener mindset. A few examples are:
All-or-nothing thinking: This is when we see things in black-and-white terms. We think things are either good or bad, perfect or a failure. This way of thinking leads us to believe that if something is not perfect, it's a failure. The grass is greener mindset oversimplifies alternatives as 'better' rather than other options with pros and cons.
Comparative thinking: This is when we compare our circumstances to others and conclude that we're not as good off as they are. We think that they have it better than us in some way. We also call this 'upward comparisons'.
Fortune telling: A type of bias where your brain believes it can see into the future (e.g., 'I'd be better off if I changed X').
The grass is greener mindset is problematic for several reasons:
It can lead us to make impulsive decisions: If we're not happy with something in our life, the grass is greener mindset can lead us to make rash decisions. This can be a problem because we may not make well-informed decisions.
It can prevent us from enjoying what we have: The grass is greener mindset can prevent us from enjoying the good things in our life. We may be so focused on perceived deficits we don't take the time to appreciate what we do have.
It can lead us to make unnecessary changes: The grass is greener mindset can lead us to make changes in our life that we don't need to make. We may believe that we have to make a change to be happy. But, sometimes, the grass isn't actually greener on the other side.
It can make us feel like we're not good enough: We may look at other people's lives and think they have it better than we do. This can lead to feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem.
What can I do about the grass is greener mindset?
If you find that you're struggling with the grass is greener mindset, there are some things you can do to reduce any negative impact:
Be mindful of your thinking:
Pay attention to your thoughts and try to catch the problematic thinking patterns described above.
Challenge your thinking:
Reconsider problem thoughts once they've been detected. Are they really true? Is the grass literally greener? You can consider hard evidence that grass is greener and/or weight up the helpfulness of this perspective.
Be grateful for what you have:
Take the time to appreciate the good things in your life. For instance, try a gratitude diary.
Be present-focused:
Mindfulness exercises are a great way to keep you in the here and now.
Make changes carefully:
Take a planned approach to decision-making:
Brainstorm options
List the pros and cons of each possibility
Talk to others when needed
Act and evaluate the change.
Seek professional help:
If you're struggling to change your thinking patterns on your own, seek professional help. A therapist can help you to identify and change your thinking patterns.
Further reading
Here is a useful book on mindfulness strategies.
This book on CBT techniques provides more information on unhelpful thinking patterns.
We are Coaching & Clinical Psychologists with extensive experience helping people conquer a range of wellbeing and performance issues at home and in the workplace. We can also help with a ‘grass is greener’ and other unhelpful mindsets. Read more about our work, watch practical skills videos or browse other articles. Get in touch anytime.
