When should we move in together?

29 Jun

How Soon Is Too Soon To Move In

Moving in together is a huge milestone for any couple. As exciting as it is, it’s also a huge decision that can greatly impact your daily life and alter your relationship.

Any huge change can seem daunting and scary at first. But, the transition can be smoother if you know what to expect and how to prepare. The same goes for moving in with your partner.

This article summarises what need to know and what you should expect when you decide to move in together. We also provide a few tips on how to adapt to this exciting time in your life.

Busting the Time Myth

First, make sure you aren’t moving in together because you feel you have to. This guideline applies even if you’ve been together for a long time. There is no deadline for moving in together. Just clarifying this misconception will ease a lot of the pressure you may be feeling.

If you feel like you’re ready to move in together, and you genuinely want to live with your partner, then it’s the right time, no matter how long (or short) your relationship has been.

Don’t Ignore Warning Signs

Before you start living together, make sure that your relationship is steady enough for you to make the big move. After all, living together is a big step that requires compromise and considering each other’s needs.

If you have an on-again-off-again relationship, moving together may not be a good idea. Imagine how inconvenient it would be if you broke up after a huge fight and you have to share the same house!

Here are other red flags to look out for:
You aren’t financially compatible (e.g., don't agree on how to save money).
You don’t see a future together and you’re simply enjoying the honeymoon phase.
You don’t feel comfortable enough to be your natural self when your partner is around.
You have different lifestyles and goals for the future.
You think sharing a living space will be a quick fix for your relationship conflicts.

Don’t feel pressure to move in with your partner if you notice any of these warning signs. Remember, moving in with your partner is a good idea only if your relationship is stable, secure, and safe. If it isn’t, hold off on the move, and reevaluate your relationship before you make this big decision.

After all, sharing space with another individual can be a huge change, and it will test the strength of your relationship. You can always move in later when you’re in a better place in your relationship.

How To Prepare for Living Together

When you first start dating, you may not notice each other’s quirks and habits. You’ll probably discover that living together is an entirely different experience, even if you’ve been in a long-term relationship.

Here are some ways to prepare for the big move.

Discuss Logistics

Logistics are extremely important when moving together because it means sharing finances and making joint decisions.

You should discuss where you’ll live, how you’ll be sharing expenses, and how household maintenance and chores will be divided.

Open communication is extremely important to reduce disappointment and conflict.

You can also consider having a “trial period” before sharing a home. This will give you an idea of your partner’s lifestyle and help you gauge whether you’re compatible.

Picking a place close to your work where you’re both comfortable is also important.

Talk About Your Expectations

Living together is a big step in any relationship. Though you may be used to roommates/housemates, this is a completely different setup. Moreover, it’s possible to have a great relationship, but a live-in arrangement is a whole new ballgame.

That’s why it’s important to set expectations about the future and talk about how your living conditions and relationship will be affected by the move.

Living together is often seen as a progression, or the “next step” toward marriage. But studies have shown that a lot of couples choose to remain unmarried while continuing to cohabitate.

If you or your partner considers living together as the first step towards marriage, it’s important to discuss this expectation.

Moving in together solidifies your commitment to each other. But, you must always be open and honest about the challenges you face. You must communicate about these challenges and where the relationship is going.

Talk About Past Experiences

Getting to know your partner is a huge part of a successful relationship, and this is especially true when you’re living together.

If you haven’t already, discuss your past relationships so you can understand each other better. You can even bond over challenges you’ve shared, which can help prepare you if a similar situation crops up.

Discuss Conflict Management

Conflict management is an essential part of any healthy relationship, especially one that involves sharing a home. You’ll be sharing a living space with your partner, which means that you’ll have to face each other even when you’re angry. You can’t simply walk out and go to your own apartment anymore.

This is why it's extremely important to have a plan in place for conflict management and resolution. Thinking ahead helps to prevent a toxic environment and make each other feel safe.

Simple rules can help create a calm and secure atmosphere. Some couples set rules such as not raising your voice or banging doors when you’re fighting. Every couple is different so set ground rules that suit your circumstances.

Provide Mutual Support

While living together can be exciting and fun, it can also be stressful and scary. Realise that if your partner gets nervous, it probably has more to do with their personal anxieties and problems than your relationship and their feelings for you.

Strive to be empathetic and accommodating when moving in together. Mutual support will help create a warm, safe, and secure environment, and foster a healthier relationship. When you look back on the early days of your home together, you’ll both appreciate each other’s patience and support.

Here is how to ask if someone is ok.

When Things Go Wrong

In the initial days of living together, you should constantly check on each other and take time out to discuss things.

This will help you become aware of problems, so you can address them together before they can fester and create discontent.

Handling conflict often requires:

Creating an open environment for frank and honest communication that includes constructive (not destructive) criticism
Remaining respectful and calm during disagreements
Knowing how to compromise and agree to disagree
Resolving issues as a team instead of having a “me versus you” mindset

While its not right for everyone, some couples benefit from working with a marriage and family therapist.

What If Your Partner Doesn’t Want To Move In When You Ask?

As painful as it can be, everyone has the right to say no to moving in together. This is important to remember if your partner isn’t ready to move in and you feel rejected.

This situation can be a good learning experience for you. Speak to your partner and try to understand where they’re coming from. It could be that they’re so accustomed to living on their own that they simply feel nervous about sharing their space with you.

Instead of feeling discouraged, use it as an opportunity to have an honest discussion about your relationship and future. Talk about:

● Your feelings for each other

● Where you see the relationship going

● What your expectations are for the future

● What living together means to each of you

● Why you want to live together

● Why they think living together is a bad idea

A 'no' to moving in together doesn’t automatically mean you should end the relationship. But, you may have to assess your future as a couple.